Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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