I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
