i barfeds in our rink
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
