Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
