i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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