The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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