I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
