She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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