So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
