dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Randomize