went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
