so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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