Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize