he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
