First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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