When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
