mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
