Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize