this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize