So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
