I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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