I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
