I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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