Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize