When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I look excited, but its just a facade.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
