i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
