Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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