You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
