i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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