he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Success! We fucked roommates!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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