Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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