I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize