I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
