I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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