Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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