i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
