last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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