i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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