She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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