why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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