Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
