if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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