Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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