Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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