They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
