bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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