Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
