Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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