Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize