i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I didn't notice because vodka
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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