i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
