the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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