I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
