he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
