there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
