i may or may not be watching the land before time
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
