Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
