I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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