why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
