ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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