i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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