Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
