a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize