I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize