at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
