I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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