I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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