Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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