when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
