I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
