I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
