It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
