I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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