everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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