I'm pants shitting drunk right now
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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