WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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