Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
